Tuesday, October 20, 2009

So. I really don't think anyone reads this anymore. Once again it's been 4 month-ish since I've posted. But I thought this would be a good place to go and vent about some of the things that have been going on with me in the past couple of months.

Recently, I've been going to see a therapist. Honestly, I've wondered if I was depressed, but being a psychology major, I just figured I was self-diagnosing and wrote it off as the blues. I always figured that I couldn't be depressed, because things would always get better. For a little while anyways. Then, they would get bad again. Really bad. And when I was getting upset over the stupidest little things (like a boy, who wasn't even worth getting that upset over), or constantly being irritated and snapping at my friends when they weren't even doing anything, and sleeping my summer away, mom made me call and make an appointment. I knew something was wrong, I couldn't stop crying for the life of me. So I started going to sessions. The first one, I broke down and bawled my eyes out, while the doctor just listened. That was almost enough for me. I couldn't believe how much better I felt, just having someone listen to me for once. Then, he diagnosed me with Anxiety and Depression. He suggested that I go to the Student Health Center and get some medication to help me with it. I know a lot of people I talked to told me that I wasn't crazy, and that I didn't need pills to fix my depression, and that I could just pull myself out of it. Oh, like I really hadn't tried to just pull myself out of it before? Believe me, if I could have, I definitely would have. One thing was that I didn't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the depressed girl, who uses her depression as an excuse for everything, or being sad all the time. But I realized I didn't have to be. I started taking medication, and it is crazy how much it has helped. Which, I don't know if it is the medication, or me changing, but I'm guessing it's a combination of both. I feel like for the first time since I can remember, I am truly happy. I've realized I can be single and be happy. I don't need a guy to complete me (and why I didn't realize this earlier, don't ask me). I don't need to please everyone, saying "NO" every once in awhile will not make me a bad person. Sure, I'll have to disappoint some people, but that happens. I need to watch out for myself, because I'm the only one who can make myself happy. I haven't cried in a long time (ok, I did yesterday, but I had good reason), but now I am kind of getting that feeling back. I don't know if it's just because of some of the stupid things that have happened in this past week, or what, but I'm hoping it goes away soon. You have to take the good with the bad, and I've realized that.

Well, Kudos to anyone who actually read that. I'm doubting anyone will, but it feels good to get it off my chest.